Noise.

After studying for my Media Law and Ethics paper at the Tampines Regional Library from 12.30pm to 8.45pm, Vanessa and I left for McDonald's near the interchange to continue studying. In that place alone, there were at least 3 noise-making mechanisms (natural or not), all of which drove me into a corner.

From 9pm-10.30pm, the radio was playing loudly, the television's volume was pretty loud too and the humans.. Oh the humans, they were fighting to talk to and hear each other above each others voices. It was so loud. There I was, helplessly trying to drown these voices and noises out, but it was still too loud for me.

On the bus home, I told God I never wanted to land myself in a place so loud - So loud that I'm unable to hear anything. Well, honestly, I just..

I just never wanted to land in a place where I couldn't hear Him.

Then I asked God, "Does my life sound like that to You? Is my life so full of noise, that You can't speak to me? Even if You did, I could never hear You?"

I imagined my life sounding the exact same way it sounded in McDonald's. It was loud and full of nothing but noise.

I've clogged my life with too many things, I don't even know where to begin. God found me guilty, of filling my life with noises that have not been necessary.

And I recognised that my life, was noisy. In fact, it's beyond noisy. It's cluttered, it's far from being directed first and foremost to God Himself. It was strange realizing that, because I love silence. I love quiet, peace and serenity. Yet, my life is so loud.

Then I remembered I had once told God that I wanted Him to live louder than I did.

Now I find myself back in my corner, quiet, and absolutely sorry. So what if I'm an extreme introvert, spending most of my time alone? It doesn't mean that my life hasn't been loud and noisy inside. Maybe this is why I choose to stay home. Because somewhere deep down, I know my life is loud enough.

To my friends, my girls and anyone else, sorry if I've disappointed, offended or hurt any of you in the course of my very noisy life. I never expected for you to understand, but you all do anyway. I also don't mean to say that any of you are 'noises' that I don't welcome in my life, but I need the noises that are currently residing in my heart to simmer down. I'm done looking for excuses but at the end of the day, that's all I have. So to anyone of you who might need to hear this from me, I'm sorry.

This particular song wrapped it up for me. How apt, right God?

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is, it's okay
The last thing I need, is to be heard
But to hear, what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain?
Washing my eyes, to see Your majesty
To be still and know,
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest in Your holiness,
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself, in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need, is to be with You
And in the quiet, I hear Your voice

Do you need to settle the noise in your heart too? Don't let it resound, not when it's only noise.

If anything, let it be God's voice.